Idiots on Xbox Live

Idiots on Xbox Live, and why we should send them directly to the ovens!

Article written by KatanOmega on 4/15/09
Last edited on 4/15/09

Anyone who has played a multiplayer game on Xbox Live has undoubtedly met one of these fuck stools. They are the bane of the online gaming world and need to be dealt with. America passed the Patriot Act, let’s put it to good use for once and track down these intellectually under developed pole smokers. The question is what do we do with them once we have them? What measure of pain should we inflict for their online crimes? Before we speak of punishment I think it is important to define exactly who our gaming Gestapo will be hunting for. If you fit any of the descriptions listed below you might want to go hide in your closet because we are coming for you.

1. Fake Retarded vs. Full Retard

Let me start by saying that if you are full retard and babble like a mongo over Xbox Live, I’m not angry with you. I cannot be mad at you for a circumstance of birth; I will make fun of you though. With that being said if you are acting all down syndrome on Xbox Live and you are not actually full retard, it’s curtains for you bitch.

2. Refuse to ready up in a timely fashion

These guys are the worst; the pre-game lobby is not a place to discuss how you slid your thumb in your ass while you were in the bathtub last night. Especially when everyone else in the room is asking you to ready up, do us all a favor and press A so we can get to virtually murdering you. Then you have those that do not ready up on purpose and take child like joy in making everyone sit there till the lobby timer runs out. There is no forgiveness for this and these people should be sterilized immediately so they cannot infect the rest of the gene pool with their stupidity.

3. Abusing the open mic

Screaming, singing, or having your background music up so loud that it is broadcasting over your mic earns you a front row seat on the rocket were going to use to launch you all into the sun.

4. Team Killing when your team is winning

I am actually in favor of team killing in some cases. Usually it’s when someone is being an ass and messing up the team, or just when it’s really funny. I have no problem with team killing in those circumstances. What is a problem though is when your winning and one jag off takes it upon himself to start team killing causing you to lose the match. I have actually been playing NHL09 and been winning with my team only to have our captain pull the goalie with 30 seconds left causing us to lose. There is a special place in the hell of infinite butt fucking for that guy.

These examples are just a few of the many that should get people hit in the face with a shovel. Last weekend I was playing Fifa 09 online and as anyone who has played it knows if you do not ready up you are stuck waiting till the 5 minute timer runs out before you can launch into the game. After that there is another 5 minute timer while people pick their positions. While this was clearly a bad fucking development decision, I mean come on you can make a game as cool as Fifa 09 but you do not have the foresight to see how badly your online is going to be abused. Anyway, I jumped in a room at the start of the 5 minute timer and everyone had all readied up. Except for one jerk off, a cruel mutant who explained to us that he would not ready up because he wanted people to file complaints about him so Live would force him to change his gamertag. For 10 minutes I pleaded for this imbecile to just go kill himself because he obviously had failed at life. Then with 10 seconds left he said goodbye and left. You cannot possibly tell me that this gentleman deserves to still be sucking air. Here are some more horror stories that I found on the intertubes.

 

That should give us a pretty good idea of who we are looking for, but back to the main question what punishment do they deserve. I’m easy and think that a bullet in the head/dick and a mass grave would do the trick but one thing is clear this subhuman subculture of griefers who fuck their sisters and call everyone they meet on Live a nigger because they cannot think of anything better need to die. I would love to hear some suggestions on how the rest of you would dispatch them.

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