Wii Tards

The Curse of the Nintendo Wii

Article written by KatanOmega on 2/2/09
Last edited on 2/2/09

Every Generation as far back as the Atari 2600 has seen two consoles, with a possible third that would usually tank before the end of the generational cycle. Gamers adopted their platform of choice and so the console wars began. Console developers would slug it out for market superiority, and the console fanbois would act as their infantry. Endless debates about which console was better, which could push more pixels, then polygons, then HDR and textures.

Today we find ourselves still embroiled in conflict. This generation’s combatants are the Xbox 360 with its unmatched online service, developer support, and let’s not forget wildly unacceptable failure rate. The Sony Playstation 3 with its monster processor, blu-ray player, lack of developer support, and prohibitive price point. Here is where this generations console wars hangs a hard left and is driving hard into unmarked territory, our third combatant is the Nintendo Wii.

The Nintendo Wii has no real online service (I’m sorry but friend codes are not an online service). It cannot push HD graphics, and is on track to beat the NES for the title “most crap shovelware ported to a console”. You would think that compared to Sony’s and Microsoft’s consoles the Wii would be on the fast track to the landfill where they buried those hundreds of thousands E.T. cartridges for the 2600. Unfortunately for real gamers, Wii is dominating the marketplace and Nintendo has successfully completed the biggest sham in gaming history.

I didn’t get it at first; I thought to myself “How is this underpowered, gimmick ridden, piece of Japanese shit any different than the power glove? How is it winning the console wars?” Maybe somebody poked me in the soft spot as a baby, maybe I’m getting older and just do not realize what is cool anymore. Then I figured it out, the Wii is reality television. No it’s not fucking over the other two consoles so it can get that last rose and have you propose to it. The Wii is a fad, it’s cheap, and it’s mindless, just like reality TV. Nintendo built the hype for their console by marketing a new control scheme which only they can seem to get to work properly. They then targeted small children, the elderly, and people with IQ’s fewer than 85 telling them that they can be gamers to. Well all you little wiitards jumped right on the bandwagon like good little idiot consumers and in doing so put your stinky little ball sacks right on the rest of ours chins.

Now I’m going to go on a bit of a rant here so let me preface this buy saying if you’re under 12 and want a Wii, great enjoy! If you are over 12 and want a Wii, you need to be sterilized and then hit in the head with a shovel. Think about why you really want a Wii, is it the games? I doubt it. The Wii has little to no quality third party games, that means you’re stuck waiting years until the next Mario, Zelda, or Metroid comes out (none of which our slated for 2009). Is it the new control interface? I doubt it. While innovative in its own right it is not anywhere neat 1 to 1 motion control like we were led to believe. For that Nintendo is going to sell you a new peripheral in 2009. Do you want one because Nintendo fabricated a console shortage that sent demand through the roof. Now I think were onto something. All you little idiots got so worked up over getting a Wii when it was hard to get that the finding of one became a game unto itself. You could not possibly be content till you had one! Even though real gamers were on the sidelines yelling “there are no games” or “it’s going to look like shit on that pretty new HDTV you just bought” but you didn’t listen. You followed Myamoto-San right off the cliff and set us on a path that will only prove to be negative for the gaming industry as a whole. I honestly wish I could collect you all in one place and drop a nuke.

Why am I so angry you ask? Here is why you Mario loving, Princess Peach raping, future pedophile of America! Now that you have made the Wii such a runaway hit all the other console and game developers are looking at it and asking themselves why are we spending millions building new engines, or on research and development for our next console when we could cut our cost by half and develop for the Wii. Do you really think the next consoles that Microsoft or Sony put out are not going to be taking a page out of the Wii’s playbook?

So have fun with your Wii Music, Wii Play, Wii shove small animals in our ass, remember when Survivor hit big on Tv, and all we had was reality television on every channel for the next couple of years. Well if that happens to the gaming industry, because of the Wii I swear to god I will run for President, win the election, and on my first day nuke Japan again. I’d also nuke Wisconsin, but only because that state fucking sucks ass!

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