Onechanbara: Bikini Samurai Squad Review

Review written by KatanOmega on 2/19/09
Last edited on 2/19/09

This is a very special day for us at Angry-Gamers.net! Not many times in a mans life will he be able to experience something as truly shitty as Onechanbara: Bikini Samurai Squad. There is absolutely no redeeming quality to this game, unless you count the ability to take an actual piece of shit, and press it to a DVD-9. Ok, let’s jump into the bad, you might want to hold your nose.

The graphics are horrible, the female character models are plagued with bad titty physics and look like animated Barbie dolls kinda like DOA4 just multiplied by 10,000. Tamsoft tried to hide this with a ton of bad bloom lighting, when will Japanese developers realize that it isn’t 2005 anymore? The millions of zombies you will have to fight through all look like they are half rendered. The environments are dull, and carry no weight which a lot of games are guilty of but the fact that the environments repeat so much in this game makes it unbearable to look at.

The game play consists of spamming heavy attack, wiping the blood off your sword, and spamming heavy attack some more. Each character seems to have 1 combo they can perform but there is no point because the animations look horrible. There are a couple of different zombie types you will fight, but actually they are all the same zombie model but some of them have chainsaws placed in their hands or something. You don’t have to worry about dying or anything, when the zombies appear you can sit in the middle of a group of them and I swear to god they will sit there and look at you. The bosses are a feeble attempt to mimic games like Devil May Cry 4. Unfortunately you can only see the bosses from the waist down because of the shit camera.

There is no story to speak of, I’m serious the game starts with you and your sister in the apartment watching TV and seeing the zombies attacking. After that you’re thrust into the action with no explanation of who these characters are, or where these zombies came from. I guess in Japan it’s better to skip things like a good back story and jump right in to the bikini killing action. I’m not even going to get into the idea of fighting zombies in a bikini, cowboy boots, white boa, and a cowboy hat. You can change the bikini squad’s bikinis though, that might actually be the best part of this game.

Here is what I want everyone to do. Go to your local Gestapo Stop and ask about this game. If any clerk actually says that the game is any good at all punch them directly in the cock and then t-bag them. It offends me that this game is actually being sold in retail outlets; it offends me that it even exists. Playing this game actually made me want to hurt myself. DO NOT PLAY IT!

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Review Summary

The menus are easy enough to navigate, but the colors are all super bright and just make you want to close your eyes.

Graphics are dated and feel like this game should have launched with the 360, bad lighting and character models make even the fact you’re in a bikini not so fun.